Butterflies

This post will be really personal (as usual) and not about work. Also, I'll try to make it easy to read but I think it's best if we see this as a ball of yarn that we're unraveling together. 

COVID as a unit of time

COVID months aren't like normal months. A lot can happen in a COVID month and nothing can happen as well, making a month feel like half a year or like a week. However, my months have been blessed with a passion for the internet and what you can find in it (I've always had it but now even more so), zoom activities every day after work, YouTube videos and not having to commute to the office, which has probably allowed me to do stuff after work. 

A sensei along the way

I can't remember when I bought my iPad, it feels like forever but it must have been one or two months ago. No more than a month or two before that I created @therookiesketchnoter, my public Instagram account, which is where I post all the sketchnotes I make. The sketchnoting community is amazing and I got lots of recommendations regarding who to follow to improve this and that...which is how I came across Fran Salomon, author of "Mejor Dilo con Monos" and Dean of the prestigious University of Moníchigan. I don't know why I find her so mesmerizing... if it's her charisma and how funny she is or the fact that she is a person who has struggled and found a way to improve. She's an amazing communicator and her messages just go through me and set me in motion. I wish she could convince me to go to the gym and stop eating crap...maybe I'll ask her to motivate me to do that when I finally meet her (I'm on the waitlist for one of her courses). 

This pic is from www.canva.com

I started following her on YouTube, Instagram, etc. I started practicing every day as she suggested. I can't say I'm getting better because I honestly don't see it, but I can say people seem to be liking what I make...and this time, perhaps that's the opinion I should trust...theirs and not mine because mine is pretty mean and judgemental when it comes to my own crafts. Fran Salomon always says that "drawing is a path to personal growth". She says we have to practice every day and enjoy the ride, since it's not the final destination that matters, it's the journey. 

Invisible competitions

All these months have been a different kind of journey for me because for once, I stopped competing with others. You know when you're in a competition to see who achieves more things but the other person doesn't know you're competing with them? Yeah, just like that. Shame on me.

I had been so focused on doing what everyone else is doing (thinking that I was going to become successful that way) that I was completely neglecting what I really wanted to do. I've always wanted to make films (don't ask, that one is a bit on hold atm). I've always wished I could draw and paint. I've always wished I spoke at least 5 languages by the age of 30. I've always wished I could play music...but I thought that all those wishes were not my thing (except for languages, that one I actually did invest my whole life in) since I was so bad at all of them.

Practice 

Fran Salomon talks about it all the time. Vera Gehlen-Baum talked about it too in her masterclass "You have no talent (and neither do I)". There's even a super cliché quote that says "Practice makes perfect", but why have I never really paid attention to it? I've always thought that you had to have some talent prior to practicing until you reached perfection...but what if you develop your talent because you practice so much? 

Tools

This part will sound very frivolous and consumerist (and it is and it makes me feel guilty but I don't know why I'm telling you this). I bought an iPad because I was getting frustrated that real paper doesn't have an undo button and I thought that perhaps digital sketchnotes might be the way for me. I bought a camera to make stop motion films. I just bought a ukulele. 

Butterflies

Last night, my husband and I were in bed and I told him: "I can't wait for it to be tomorrow morning so I can go to the music shop to get a ukulele. I can't wait to start my lessons*. I know you might think I've lost it, with all the hobbies I've discovered since March and all...but these are things I've always wanted to do and I didn't know I deserved to give myself a chance to try. I'm so happy I have the rest of my life to learn and practice. This is crazy because I don't think I've ever felt this way, but I'm giving myself butterflies in my stomach because I'm really happy that I'm alive and finally living."

*I used Roomie Official's two-month free trial Skillshare link and it worked! I also found a discount code to enroll for the whole year with 40% discount!! Send me a message if you want it :) 

Antzie Origins: How to raise a child that ends up like me (or not)

Have you ever wondered what would you be like if you had been raised by different people? 

Would you be a rocket scientist? Would you be a better/worse person? Would you still be yourself?

I'm the way I am because I'm me (duh), but I think I'm also the way I am because of how my mom raised me. I've been thinking about the things that she's done that ended up shaping me and I've come up with a long list that made me realize I'm just like her in so many ways. She raised me to be this way, even if she wasn't doing it on purpose (I'll ask her and let you know). 

She taught me:

1. That you gotta fight for your rights 

Since I was a child, my mom has always taken part in protests to claim and demand better working conditions. When I was 18, she paid my boyfriend, who was a drummer at a punk rock band, so he'd come to the protest and play his snare drum. 

I don't know how it is in your country, but in my country of origin, a day is deducted from your salary if you join a protest. I remember a couple of years ago my mom made a comment about her salary that month, that she was getting less because of a protest she'd join. I have major respect for that. However, I understand that not everybody has that privilege and that, for some, every penny counts. 

2. To learn from your mistakes 

When I failed my first exam in college I was devastated. I was so used to not giving my best and studying at the last minute and still always getting good grades somehow. However, one day I failed (and I failed many times after that). I was crushed and I had to hold my tears for one hour, which was how long the bus took. 

"Some lessons are more expensive than others", she told me. That's one of my mom's signature lines. She doesn't necessarily mean expensive "money-wise", of course, though sometimes she does. 

3. To sketchnote (without knowing what it was and that it even had a name) 

My mom would help us study sometimes and when she did, she'd make little drawings and help us associate the drawing to the meaning. I can still remember the name of an Inca priest and the drawing that represented him. I saw that drawing at least 25 years ago and it wasn't even me who was learning about it, it was my brother. 

4. To surround yourself with peers and learn constantly

My brother and I practically grew up at the Dental Association of our city. My mom was always taking endodontics courses. My mother raised us alone, and sometimes she didn't have anybody to take care of me so she'd bring me to her endodontics courses with her and they'd made me run back and forth carrying dental instruments from station to station. I was 6 years old when I learned what sodium hypochlorite was (it was the 90s...parents were fierce) and I could barely pronounce it.

5. To get involved in your community 

She was the treasurer of the Endodontics Society of the Dental Association of our city. She was an active member of the Dental Association and she'd organize courses and workshops. 

I remember falling asleep more than once on the brown leather couches of the large waiting room of the Dental Association since their monthly assembly had gone a little off the schedule and it was late at night. I remember hearing my mom's voice, passionately defending her beliefs. 

6. To share knowledge 

My mom has always mentored students who have just graduated from dentistry. She'd also give talks, usually encouraging her colleagues to rebel against the system and improve their working conditions (Argentinian dentists aren't rich haha). 

She used to pay me to do her presentations in PowerPoint. I'm sorry mom, I shouldn't have charged you. 

7. To not be afraid of your creativity 

My mom has always believed that the specialization she chose is a bit unfair. It's such a detailed, complex specialization, but they don't get paid very well, so lots of dentistry students prefer specializing in cosmetic dentistry or orthodontics instead. She was convinced that Endodontics was dying in our city and she refused to let it die, so she asked me to draw a root canal file inside a coffin. SO.WEIRD. 

I remember I did it in Paint. It was pixelated and ugly, but my mom loved it. She printed huge posters with my drawing in them and I remember her colleagues telling her how much the drawing had impacted them and even congratulating me for it. It was ugly but it made a point. 

No wonder I turned out like this.

A post about feedback

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a wonderful webinar organized by IT Matters. The speaker was Crystal Mbanefo, and you can watch the webinar here. It was heartwarming, fun and I'd watch it a thousand times. 

The webinar was about receiving feedback with resilience. I let the webinar sink in my brain for a while, and I realized I need to learn to receive my own feedback as well (that can be the hardest part sometimes). 

"I accept that I did what I could, acted as I could, with what I had at the time."

I am quite harsh on myself and I rarely cut myself some slack. I'm not sure if it's the anxiety dominating the body or the judgy brain I've always had (and a vital organ whose behavior I'm trying to correct) but sometimes I find it really hard to forgive myself for not having excelled at something...and I don't excel at anything (lol), so you can imagine how tortured (by myself *cough*) I can feel sometimes. 

I find it hard to forgive myself for not being as bright as I wish I was.
I find it hard not to compare myself to others and remember that all our paths are different. But I need to remind myself that at all times... "all paths are different because we are all different". If context matters so much to me, then I need to remind myself that in this situation, context matters too.

Fortunately, this webinar is on YouTube, which means I can watch it as many times as necessary. 

I had a great conversation with an amazing friend today and among other things, she reminded me that I am me and that I shouldn't feel bad for not being productive all the time. 

I wonder what I'd think of myself if I wasn't me. Maybe I'd even think I'm the bomb.