The self-assessment time of the year

A couple of weeks ago we had to write our self-assessment reports in one of the HR platforms of the company. At first, I was very confused about it, especially because I have been working in this company for about eight months and sometimes it's hard for me to retrace things that I'd fill in in a self-assessment form. Anyway, even if I've had to assess my work every year in my previous company, each company has its own format for this type of evaluation. NOTE: If you don't care about the story behind this and just want to skip to the conclusion and tips, scroll down to the bottom. You're welcome :D

Fortunately, HR set up a training session in which they taught us how to use the platform, that we had to give examples, etc.

But what do I say? Each section of the form was mapped to our company values, and we had to provide examples of each and rate ourselves from 1-5 (each rate value has an explanation). I had lots of questions: "Have I done enough? Have I not done enough? Have I surpassed the expectations they had when they hired me? What were they expecting from me?" If I knew that, then I guess I'd know whether I've met such expectations or not. "Does my work apply to each value?" "Do I live and work and breathe the company's core values?"

It all made me think of quality since I had to assess the quality of my own work after all, and I suppose the company values and the rating 1-5 were my heuristics (or were they my oracles? I'm second-guessing myself here as usual). 

Jerry Weinberg's definition of quality says that "Quality is value to some person" and if you add Michael Bolton's and James Bach's addition to this quote "who matters", then the definition of quality is "Quality is value to some person who matters". 

Also, I remember learning that "quality is a subjective value" (I will quote the author when I remember who said it), but "how do I make it more objective so I can actually rate my work? Or should I remain subjective because this self-assessment is about me and my work?" Ugh...I know... I was getting way philosophical about it but that's how it happened.

I have impostor syndrome (maybe you have it too, dear reader) and I underestimate myself a lot, so how could I be objective about my work and not sell myself short? Or, once again, should I have remained subjective, since it was about me?

I was a bit stuck, so I googled "how to fill in a self-evaluation" and clicked on the first link I found: this link. 

I started scanning the text and this part caught my attention..."There’s no way to evaluate your performance without a clear description of your job. If you already have one, keep it handy while composing your self-evaluation."  I browsed my inbox, trying to find the job description that made me want to apply for this job and I found it. After reading it, I didn't feel that bad about myself, they were looking for someone with some experience but always willing to learn (hey! that's me!!). I was in a better place to review myself, so I sat in front of my laptop and started typing and I didn't move until I realized I was sitting in complete darkness (it's not like I typed for days though, it was probably that time of the day where it's about to be sunset but it's quite lit still). 

I read it aloud...it seemed okay and honest. I have to say that the assessment does have something I liked a lot, which is that the categories are our company values, so you provide examples of your work under each value. I detailed the things I consider an achievement, things that I've been struggling with but kind of overcame...I was ready to give myself a rating. Oh boy, here comes the overthinking part again.

"If I choose 3 for all, it'll sound like I think I do my job well, but I'm not arrogant about it. If I choose 4-5, will it look like I'm too self-confident about what I've done? What if I actually haven't done anything praise-worthy and I just have the illusion that I have?" (Dunning-Kruger effect FTW)

I thought I totally deserved a 4 in one of the values, so I gave myself only one 4, and the rest were 3s. 

Total: 3.2

"But what does it mean? Does it mean I'm OK? Do I deserve a raise or a promotion? Am I going to be the first one to get fired because I didn't get a 5 average? What does 3.2 even mean?"

I've given some feedback to HR about it already, perhaps so that people like me don't get anxious about a number whose meaning we don't even know...Also, if we knew how this will be used (maybe they did explain it but I missed it?) maybe we wouldn't be so uncomfortable with it (I know I wasn't the only one). 

Lessons learned (and tips, so if you're in this situation and don't know how to do it maybe this can help you a bit): 

1. Keep a record of your achievements and difficulties (especially if you've managed to overcome them). Not only will they come in handy for self-assessment, but also for a job interview.

2. Job description: If you're new at the job, it might help you to keep your job description near, so you can refer back to it if needed. Just remember that sometimes you might get a job because you meet the job description, but then your responsibilities can change over time.

3. Audience: Asking who will read your assessment and how it will be used will help you write it down. If you know this will be used for future promotions, maybe it'll even motivate you to come up with better examples of your achievements!

4. Ask a colleague for help: Getting a colleague (or maybe even your manager?) to proofread it or help out if you're stuck can be really helpful. Sometimes we don't see things others see, so I don't think this can hurt.

Why are we doing it anyway? Perhaps once a year is not enough.

A post about feedback

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a wonderful webinar organized by IT Matters. The speaker was Crystal Mbanefo, and you can watch the webinar here. It was heartwarming, fun and I'd watch it a thousand times. 

The webinar was about receiving feedback with resilience. I let the webinar sink in my brain for a while, and I realized I need to learn to receive my own feedback as well (that can be the hardest part sometimes). 

"I accept that I did what I could, acted as I could, with what I had at the time."

I am quite harsh on myself and I rarely cut myself some slack. I'm not sure if it's the anxiety dominating the body or the judgy brain I've always had (and a vital organ whose behavior I'm trying to correct) but sometimes I find it really hard to forgive myself for not having excelled at something...and I don't excel at anything (lol), so you can imagine how tortured (by myself *cough*) I can feel sometimes. 

I find it hard to forgive myself for not being as bright as I wish I was.
I find it hard not to compare myself to others and remember that all our paths are different. But I need to remind myself that at all times... "all paths are different because we are all different". If context matters so much to me, then I need to remind myself that in this situation, context matters too.

Fortunately, this webinar is on YouTube, which means I can watch it as many times as necessary. 

I had a great conversation with an amazing friend today and among other things, she reminded me that I am me and that I shouldn't feel bad for not being productive all the time. 

I wonder what I'd think of myself if I wasn't me. Maybe I'd even think I'm the bomb. 

Hi, how are you? For real, how ARE YOU?

I think that by now, my teammates know exactly which post-its are mine because of how personal they are. I don't know if this is right or wrong, but if it is true that we need to focus on individuals and interactions over processes and tools then I will...because I care. Deeply. 

Last week was a bit weird, not only because of the whole pandemic situation that is making a lot of us feel like we're riding an emotional rollercoaster, but also because my grampa broke his hip and he was taken to the hospital to the intensive care unit (He's alright and he's back at home now, thank you for asking telepathically). I was a bit mopey last week and feeling all sorts of guilt.

I felt guilty because I am the favorite grandchild (oh yes, yes I am) and I used to spend lots of time with my grandparents before I moved to Spain, but I can no longer spend time with them or teleport (now THAT would be the solution to my problem). I have been calling them every single Sunday at 5pm their time for five years though. They love it, I love it.

I felt guilty because I was executing a pretty long manual regression run and it was taking me forever to finish, and my mind wasn't helping much either. 

I felt guilty because our biggest consumer base is iOS, and I test our iOS apps. Did I want to mark a test case as passed but not test it well? Hell no, that's not me. I'd rather take my time than giving my word on something that I haven't checked properly. However, when I can't focus I don't remember what I did and so I need to do it again. Yes, I do take notes. Yes, I'm distracted anyway, especially when I get interrupted on Slack.

I felt guilty because I wasn't allowing myself to understand that it is OK if you're not giving your 100%. This situation is effing different from anything we've been through before. Some of us live in countries that are going through hell right now, while our families are in poorer countries whose hell would be ten times worse, did COVID-19 hit them. 

So there I was, feeling guilty when I saw a pair of eyes rolling whenever I said I wasn't done with our regression yet (I might be paranoid and maybe no eyes were rolled...maybe my guilt was playing tricks on me)...and I wanted to cry a bit, tell them that I felt under pressure, that I wanted to perform and out-do myself but that my heart was breaking because I was terrified that my 94-year-old grandpa would die and that I wouldn't even get to say goodbye on the phone because mobiles are not allowed in the intensive care unit (because phones are dirty and we know it).

We had our retro yesterday, and fortunately, I wasn't the retromaster* this time. I wrote that pink post-it note and deleted it. Wrote it again, deleted it. Wrote it again, deleted it. I finally was eggsy enough to do it.  I told my teammates that I wanted to explain why I was acting the way I was acting last week. I told them that I was embarrassed about telling them about my grandfather and how that was eating me from the inside out because I was afraid that they would think it was an excuse for being lazy. I just couldn't focus. I told them that we are transparent about each other's work every day at the daily stand-up but are we transparent about how we're feeling? I think we should because being agile means adapting, right? We don't see each other's faces all the time, we don't see each other's body language anymore...so we might as well ask each other how we're doing and mean it. Oh, and create a psychologically safe space so we can actually tell the truth if we want to and not just answer "Fine".

Who would have thought that a tiny post-it note could be so emotionally liberating?

*Retromaster: I have volunteered to facilitate our retros and I've been doing it for 7 months but I was running out of my creative juices so I asked for help last sprint and said I needed someone else to facilitate them for a sprint or two. A big shoutout to my buddy who volunteered as tribute. You rock. 

Family recipes

I could have sworn that my mother told me this story, but when I asked her where she read it from, she told me that I was the one who told it to her...so, unfortunately, I won't be able to quote the source this time (I will do some research when I can and update this post if I find the source of the story). 

This post was inspired by a comment that Toyer M. made in the chat of TestBash Home's during the session "Panel: Leadership. With Shey Crompton, Nicola Sedgwick, Alessandra Moreira and the awesome host Jenna Charlton).

 I wanted to tell him this story, but I thought the chat wasn't the right place to do it.

The story

Once upon a time, there was a child who received an assignment at school. She had to find a family recipe and write it down, step by step. She didn't have to think too much about it, whenever she thought of a family recipe, "pan-fried fish" sprung to mind. 

She came home after school and asked her mom to write down the steps for her:

1. Buy fish

2. Clean it and cut it in half

3. Heat up a pan, drizzle some olive oil, place the fish in the pan and let it sizzle. 

Girl: Mom, why do you cut the fish in half?

Mother: I don't know, mom always made it that way. Ask her. 

The girl ran upstairs and asked grandma the same question.

Girl: Gran, you know our family pan-fried fish recipe? Why do you cut the fish in half?

Grandma: Hm...I don't know...ask Aunt Susan, it's her recipe. 

The girl called Aunt Susan on the phone. 

Girl: Auntie, I'm working on a school assignment and they asked me to write down a family recipe. I chose pan-fried fish! 

Aunt Susan: That's great!! So what do you want to know about it?

Girl: Well, my mom said I had to cut the fish in half...I asked grandma and she told me the same thing. But why?

Aunt Susan: When I got the recipe from my mom, I know she used to cut it in half, but only because her pan was so small! I got a bigger pan now and I no longer cut it in half. 

Asking questions is always a good exercise. The reasons why things are a certain way is purely based on the context.