Butterflies

This post will be really personal (as usual) and not about work. Also, I'll try to make it easy to read but I think it's best if we see this as a ball of yarn that we're unraveling together. 

COVID as a unit of time

COVID months aren't like normal months. A lot can happen in a COVID month and nothing can happen as well, making a month feel like half a year or like a week. However, my months have been blessed with a passion for the internet and what you can find in it (I've always had it but now even more so), zoom activities every day after work, YouTube videos and not having to commute to the office, which has probably allowed me to do stuff after work. 

A sensei along the way

I can't remember when I bought my iPad, it feels like forever but it must have been one or two months ago. No more than a month or two before that I created @therookiesketchnoter, my public Instagram account, which is where I post all the sketchnotes I make. The sketchnoting community is amazing and I got lots of recommendations regarding who to follow to improve this and that...which is how I came across Fran Salomon, author of "Mejor Dilo con Monos" and Dean of the prestigious University of Moníchigan. I don't know why I find her so mesmerizing... if it's her charisma and how funny she is or the fact that she is a person who has struggled and found a way to improve. She's an amazing communicator and her messages just go through me and set me in motion. I wish she could convince me to go to the gym and stop eating crap...maybe I'll ask her to motivate me to do that when I finally meet her (I'm on the waitlist for one of her courses). 

This pic is from www.canva.com

I started following her on YouTube, Instagram, etc. I started practicing every day as she suggested. I can't say I'm getting better because I honestly don't see it, but I can say people seem to be liking what I make...and this time, perhaps that's the opinion I should trust...theirs and not mine because mine is pretty mean and judgemental when it comes to my own crafts. Fran Salomon always says that "drawing is a path to personal growth". She says we have to practice every day and enjoy the ride, since it's not the final destination that matters, it's the journey. 

Invisible competitions

All these months have been a different kind of journey for me because for once, I stopped competing with others. You know when you're in a competition to see who achieves more things but the other person doesn't know you're competing with them? Yeah, just like that. Shame on me.

I had been so focused on doing what everyone else is doing (thinking that I was going to become successful that way) that I was completely neglecting what I really wanted to do. I've always wanted to make films (don't ask, that one is a bit on hold atm). I've always wished I could draw and paint. I've always wished I spoke at least 5 languages by the age of 30. I've always wished I could play music...but I thought that all those wishes were not my thing (except for languages, that one I actually did invest my whole life in) since I was so bad at all of them.

Practice 

Fran Salomon talks about it all the time. Vera Gehlen-Baum talked about it too in her masterclass "You have no talent (and neither do I)". There's even a super cliché quote that says "Practice makes perfect", but why have I never really paid attention to it? I've always thought that you had to have some talent prior to practicing until you reached perfection...but what if you develop your talent because you practice so much? 

Tools

This part will sound very frivolous and consumerist (and it is and it makes me feel guilty but I don't know why I'm telling you this). I bought an iPad because I was getting frustrated that real paper doesn't have an undo button and I thought that perhaps digital sketchnotes might be the way for me. I bought a camera to make stop motion films. I just bought a ukulele. 

Butterflies

Last night, my husband and I were in bed and I told him: "I can't wait for it to be tomorrow morning so I can go to the music shop to get a ukulele. I can't wait to start my lessons*. I know you might think I've lost it, with all the hobbies I've discovered since March and all...but these are things I've always wanted to do and I didn't know I deserved to give myself a chance to try. I'm so happy I have the rest of my life to learn and practice. This is crazy because I don't think I've ever felt this way, but I'm giving myself butterflies in my stomach because I'm really happy that I'm alive and finally living."

*I used Roomie Official's two-month free trial Skillshare link and it worked! I also found a discount code to enroll for the whole year with 40% discount!! Send me a message if you want it :) 

Why it's OK to change your mind

I've wanted to write this post for a very long time, but I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do next and I figured there was no point in writing it yet.

Disclaimers: 1. This one will be kind of personal/philosophical so if you're not interested in that, I'd skip this post if I were you. 2. This is all my perception (as everything else). I speak no truth, I speak my truth. Nothing I say here should be taken as a norm.

So...I wanted to do a lot of stuff this year, for example, create a CoP at work and one in my city. Also, I had accepted the challenge to become a clandestine Scrum Master of my team and I was about to get certified with a free certification that I will link at the bottom of this post. However, I've changed my mind about it all and I will tell you why (I'm telling all of this to myself really). 

I made this picture. Heraclitus made the quote and did all the thinking.

Communities of Practice

I think that a Community of Practice takes a lot of time and effort. Sherlock haha. For quite a while, this might mean that you have to keep pushing yourself to keep going, even if you feel that you're all alone and that you don't see a result...at least until you find other members that are as involved as you are and that will help you work on it. Also, people have to share the same values, right? Anyway, I don't have that kind of time anymore or that kind of resilience I think...when things are down I tend to be down too. Also, it turns out that you can't force things and information on people (lol but very true), so in order for you to make a CoP at work, you need to find like-minded people. People who enjoy learning almost as much as you do (probably in their free time as well). A place that will help you find the time and space to make it possible. I don't know what I was expecting, that things were quick and easy maybe? 

Scrum Master

I've been told a couple of times that I'd be a great SM. I wanted to believe it. Who knows, maybe I would be a good one. However, I've realized that I don't want to be one for the time being. I have lost interest to become one right now. All my energy is currently used to keep my mental health afloat. 

Other priorities

I might be stating the obvious again, but this pandemic has shown me that I'm my top priority. Also, it has shown me that time is finite. Why haven't I thought about it before? No idea, but I hadn't. 

I want to continue improving my sketchnoting skills. I want to improve my drawing skills. I want to dedicate my free time to the things that make me happy and to my hobbies. I want to be able to dedicate my free time to my health and work out. 

So yeah, that's about it. The river has changed and so has the woman. 

*https://www.scrumstudy.com/certification/scrum-fundamentals-certified

* This is my sketchnoting Instagram alter ego https://www.instagram.com/therookiesketchnoter/?hl=en

How to be a successful tester

What is "being a successful tester" to you? Does it mean being rich and famous and that everyone praises you when talking about testing and that one day they make a movie about you or does it mean making a real contribution to the industry, even if you don't have thousands of followers on Twitter?

One of my favorite literature teachers from uni taught us that even though William Shakespeare is the most famous Elizabethan playwright and poet, he wasn't necessarily the best (At least that's what I remember...but maybe I don't remember correctly, it's been a while). Update: Indeed, I remembered incorrectly. He was the best, but that's not the point of this blog entry.

Anyway, I remember a quote that went something like "Jonson wrote for posterity, Shakespeare wrote for prosperity".  

That, dear reader, is exactly my point here...when you want success, do you want to be remembered, even if you weren't the best (but you were awesome and memorable, I'm by no means trashing Will here) and even if you flipped your opinion like an omelette sometimes to please the current ruler so they'd sponsor you (like a patreon.com of 1550) or is success enough if you made a valuable contribution to the industry and you know it has improved people's lives and/or influenced the way they work? Maybe you want both, I'm not judging you, I promise.

I don't know how Twitter churning reflected on Shakespeare's times (perhaps an empty theater?) but in our beloved 2020, people will follow you on Twitter either because they think you're cool and they want to read what you post...or because they want to build an audience. They will follow you, you'll get happy and feel validated (one more reason to remember you don't need validation) so you will return the favor and follow them back, but then (or if) they'll unfollow you because they never cared about you or your content, you were just a number darling (sorry, I'm mean today). Whose praise do you want anyway? The silent praise of some people following you or the praise that is reflected when people quote you or your work?

It's almost lunchtime here so I thought it was the perfect time for some food for thought. 

DISCLAIMERS: 1. I never intended to disrespect the memory of William Shakespeare or discredit him or his work, thas was not the point of this blog post.  2. I received the information that it wasn't Marlowe who wrote for posterity but that it actually was Ben Jonson, so I edited the quote. However, later on, I received the information that it is was actually Milton who wrote for posterity. I understand that for literature's historic justice it's important to know if it was Jonson or Milton who wrote for posterity, but since it wasn't the main point of this post, I will update the sources as they come. In the meantime, the quote "Jonson wrote for posterity, Shakespeare wrote for prosperity" can be found on page 47 of the book "Art Imitates Business - Commercial and Political influences in Elizabethan Threatre" page 47 https://books.google.es/books?id=r7gHKfW5zSEC&pg=PA47&dq=%22shakespeare+wrote+for+prosperity%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiB8KW-idLqAhWj2-AKHSXsAZ4Q6AEwAHoECAUQAg#v=onepage&q=%22shakespeare%20wrote%20for%20prosperity%22&f=false

The self-assessment time of the year

A couple of weeks ago we had to write our self-assessment reports in one of the HR platforms of the company. At first, I was very confused about it, especially because I have been working in this company for about eight months and sometimes it's hard for me to retrace things that I'd fill in in a self-assessment form. Anyway, even if I've had to assess my work every year in my previous company, each company has its own format for this type of evaluation. NOTE: If you don't care about the story behind this and just want to skip to the conclusion and tips, scroll down to the bottom. You're welcome :D

Fortunately, HR set up a training session in which they taught us how to use the platform, that we had to give examples, etc.

But what do I say? Each section of the form was mapped to our company values, and we had to provide examples of each and rate ourselves from 1-5 (each rate value has an explanation). I had lots of questions: "Have I done enough? Have I not done enough? Have I surpassed the expectations they had when they hired me? What were they expecting from me?" If I knew that, then I guess I'd know whether I've met such expectations or not. "Does my work apply to each value?" "Do I live and work and breathe the company's core values?"

It all made me think of quality since I had to assess the quality of my own work after all, and I suppose the company values and the rating 1-5 were my heuristics (or were they my oracles? I'm second-guessing myself here as usual). 

Jerry Weinberg's definition of quality says that "Quality is value to some person" and if you add Michael Bolton's and James Bach's addition to this quote "who matters", then the definition of quality is "Quality is value to some person who matters". 

Also, I remember learning that "quality is a subjective value" (I will quote the author when I remember who said it), but "how do I make it more objective so I can actually rate my work? Or should I remain subjective because this self-assessment is about me and my work?" Ugh...I know... I was getting way philosophical about it but that's how it happened.

I have impostor syndrome (maybe you have it too, dear reader) and I underestimate myself a lot, so how could I be objective about my work and not sell myself short? Or, once again, should I have remained subjective, since it was about me?

I was a bit stuck, so I googled "how to fill in a self-evaluation" and clicked on the first link I found: this link. 

I started scanning the text and this part caught my attention..."There’s no way to evaluate your performance without a clear description of your job. If you already have one, keep it handy while composing your self-evaluation."  I browsed my inbox, trying to find the job description that made me want to apply for this job and I found it. After reading it, I didn't feel that bad about myself, they were looking for someone with some experience but always willing to learn (hey! that's me!!). I was in a better place to review myself, so I sat in front of my laptop and started typing and I didn't move until I realized I was sitting in complete darkness (it's not like I typed for days though, it was probably that time of the day where it's about to be sunset but it's quite lit still). 

I read it aloud...it seemed okay and honest. I have to say that the assessment does have something I liked a lot, which is that the categories are our company values, so you provide examples of your work under each value. I detailed the things I consider an achievement, things that I've been struggling with but kind of overcame...I was ready to give myself a rating. Oh boy, here comes the overthinking part again.

"If I choose 3 for all, it'll sound like I think I do my job well, but I'm not arrogant about it. If I choose 4-5, will it look like I'm too self-confident about what I've done? What if I actually haven't done anything praise-worthy and I just have the illusion that I have?" (Dunning-Kruger effect FTW)

I thought I totally deserved a 4 in one of the values, so I gave myself only one 4, and the rest were 3s. 

Total: 3.2

"But what does it mean? Does it mean I'm OK? Do I deserve a raise or a promotion? Am I going to be the first one to get fired because I didn't get a 5 average? What does 3.2 even mean?"

I've given some feedback to HR about it already, perhaps so that people like me don't get anxious about a number whose meaning we don't even know...Also, if we knew how this will be used (maybe they did explain it but I missed it?) maybe we wouldn't be so uncomfortable with it (I know I wasn't the only one). 

Lessons learned (and tips, so if you're in this situation and don't know how to do it maybe this can help you a bit): 

1. Keep a record of your achievements and difficulties (especially if you've managed to overcome them). Not only will they come in handy for self-assessment, but also for a job interview.

2. Job description: If you're new at the job, it might help you to keep your job description near, so you can refer back to it if needed. Just remember that sometimes you might get a job because you meet the job description, but then your responsibilities can change over time.

3. Audience: Asking who will read your assessment and how it will be used will help you write it down. If you know this will be used for future promotions, maybe it'll even motivate you to come up with better examples of your achievements!

4. Ask a colleague for help: Getting a colleague (or maybe even your manager?) to proofread it or help out if you're stuck can be really helpful. Sometimes we don't see things others see, so I don't think this can hurt.

Why are we doing it anyway? Perhaps once a year is not enough.

A post about feedback

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a wonderful webinar organized by IT Matters. The speaker was Crystal Mbanefo, and you can watch the webinar here. It was heartwarming, fun and I'd watch it a thousand times. 

The webinar was about receiving feedback with resilience. I let the webinar sink in my brain for a while, and I realized I need to learn to receive my own feedback as well (that can be the hardest part sometimes). 

"I accept that I did what I could, acted as I could, with what I had at the time."

I am quite harsh on myself and I rarely cut myself some slack. I'm not sure if it's the anxiety dominating the body or the judgy brain I've always had (and a vital organ whose behavior I'm trying to correct) but sometimes I find it really hard to forgive myself for not having excelled at something...and I don't excel at anything (lol), so you can imagine how tortured (by myself *cough*) I can feel sometimes. 

I find it hard to forgive myself for not being as bright as I wish I was.
I find it hard not to compare myself to others and remember that all our paths are different. But I need to remind myself that at all times... "all paths are different because we are all different". If context matters so much to me, then I need to remind myself that in this situation, context matters too.

Fortunately, this webinar is on YouTube, which means I can watch it as many times as necessary. 

I had a great conversation with an amazing friend today and among other things, she reminded me that I am me and that I shouldn't feel bad for not being productive all the time. 

I wonder what I'd think of myself if I wasn't me. Maybe I'd even think I'm the bomb. 

I confess...

I always try to go to meetups when I have a chance, even if meeting new people does make me nervous. I'm tempted to confess what is exactly what makes me nervous about meeting new people, especially in a business-like context, but I want to be mysterious so I won't. *evil laughter* 

Last year, I was diagnosed with anxiety. I thought I had depression too, but the doctor said I didn't and I quote her "You have lots of plans for your life and even if you say you're tired, you do all sorts of things. I think you have anxiety." I don't know if it was an accurate diagnosis or not, but I've been in treatment ever since and I am way less anxious (and happier), so maybe she was right. 

"You have lots of plans for your life and even if you say you're tired, you do all sorts of things."

Yes, all sorts of things. That I do. But should I? During "covid-tine" (that's so fetch, let's make it happen)... should I be doing all sorts of things or should I prioritize what sparks joy (yes, I'm quoting Marie Kondo) and not necessarily what triggers my brain activity work-wise? Sometimes they combine, but sometimes they don't and I might be pushing myself to enter a dark cave that I already know quite well. Doing too many things exhausts me.

I hereby confess that I have attended a lot of meetups.

So I tweeted something (with a grammar mistake that will haunt me forever...darn you Twitter for not allowing tweets to be edited). 

I think some people identified with it, but the tweet was for me, for future me to read and think about it before walking inside the dark cave of over-attending-meetups without a flashlight. I suppose this tweet was the flashlight.

A final thought, to myself, of course...is attending meetups almost compulsively like binge eating? 

"Do we even enjoy food when we binge eat?" - types while she chews the last bonbon that's left from a box of chocolates she bought three days ago.